She just wants someone to love her. To be someone’s smile, when they see her dance across the room.
Someone to accept all of her flaws, and see how hard she’s trying.
To take her hand, and promise to never let it go. Someone to understand her;
And love who she is.
I hate the depressing nights. Where the pills don’t even ease the sadness. You’re just stuck, running circles in your head. Everything you’ve been trying to ignore, creeps into your mind. Asking yourself questions that get no answer.. wanting to cry but you can’t.
And you’re just sad. And lost.
I wish I couldn’t be hurt so easily. I wish I loved myself so these little things didn’t hurt me so much..
I just want to be beautiful, and feel loved so badly. For once. Even if it’s just for the evening.
I kind of miss the cold comfort of trying to reach perfection. I miss seeing my progress, and at least having that one thing to make me happy. Feeling empty and accomplished. Seeing the numbers go down. I have never and will never be good enough for my mother and everyone. So I kind of miss trying to be good enough for myself.. feeling accomplished. It’s crazy to miss that cold dark feeling. The place I was stuck in for six years. But I do. I mean I’m glad I’ve been doing better, but I feel gross when I do eat. I still feel so nasty. The guilt eats me still, and I just pop some pills and go to sleep to escape it. I hate feeling ugly. I just hate it. I want that empty, accomplished feeling back. So I can be happy with me when no one else is. I just don’t want to feel ugly and hate myself for once in my life. I want to be pretty one day…. And not want to hide and feel so self conscious. I just don’t want to be this. I don’t want to be this person that I hate and don’t even want to look at.