She just wants someone to love her. To be someone’s smile, when they see her dance across the room.
Someone to accept all of her flaws, and see how hard she’s trying.
To take her hand, and promise to never let it go. Someone to understand her;
And love who she is.
I hate the depressing nights. Where the pills don’t even ease the sadness. You’re just stuck, running circles in your head. Everything you’ve been trying to ignore, creeps into your mind. Asking yourself questions that get no answer.. wanting to cry but you can’t.
And you’re just sad. And lost.
That awful feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when your family learns about all of the dark things you battle.
I kept it hidden for six years, time it finally happened I guess. The worst part is that she doesn’t care, and just doesn’t see why. Doesn’t care to understand that I am scarred, and am like this for a reason. The reason being that she does not care and never has. And was nonexistent and never saw me as her child. I was never good enough, I was the mistake that she left. I was her test run, she left me behind and started a new life with a new family. Daughters that she gave all of her love to. And I was the forgotten piece of garbage. Everything happens for a reason though..
And in the end, all you have is your demons. They keep you warm and sane. They wrap their cold arms around you and comfort you, in a disgusting kind of way.
I remember these nights too well. Having that deep hurt, and crying isn’t enough. I think back on everything, and remember all of these years. Every single day and night. Where I hated myself and could never reach perfection. All of the pain I caused myself. Seven years of trying to reach perfection, and I saw that it is never in your hands. I’ll never reach it. I feel those years creeping back up on me, those dark nights. I want to keep them away, but then I don’t. They bring a slight comfort. So this night brings these memories back to me. It’s scary, but comforting. I haven’t had these feelings of comparing myself to beautiful people, in so long. I just hate everything about myself. The feelings are just indescribable.. I can’t put my feelings into words. I’m sad and feel disgusted. It’s dark, and I want to hide away under this blanket, and waste away. I don’t know..